Freddy Sperring, SSSTM, University of Liverpool (2024 cohort)

I signed up to the Emotional Dimensions Writing retreat mostly on a whim. I had my first data collection workshop the next day and decided that rather than waste a day stressing, I would try and force myself to be productive by leaving the city and surrounding myself with other people. I also very nearly cancelled the retreat. In my head, I had already written an email politely saying there was absolutely no way I was sweating my way from Liverpool to Manchester squeezed into a commuter train with 50 strangers in 30-degree heat. But I had already agreed to write this blog, and I hate cancelling things, so I felt honour bound to attend.

I am so glad that I did attend, not least because the room was air conditioned and the lunch was decent. But also, because the workshop really delivered what it set out to do and really explored the emotions of PhD writing. Like most retreats we oscillated between blocks of writing and breaks, but unlike other retreats we also had four sessions throughout the day on the emotional aspects of PhD writing.

My own emotional state, as I alluded to in my introduction, was stressed. My train was late and then annoyingly merged with another. This led me to speed walk to the location, eventually bursting into the room looking crazed and audibly panting over the quiet tip-tapping of keyboards.  As I had data collection the next day my mind was firmly focused on the fear that this time tomorrow, I might be sat in a room, alone, having to miserably report back to my supervisors that none of my participants bothered to turn up. Perhaps it is imposter syndrome, or just a feeling that I was secretly too lazy to do a PhD, but my confidence was not at a high.

In the opening session we named our emotional barriers to PhD writing. For me, and for most others, we found the fear of judgement was our biggest emotional barrier. We named our feelings without trying to change them. It was already comforting to hear the number of similarities in our experiences, and how we all sometimes worried we were secretly lazy imposters! Seeing our fears as post its on the wall, grouped together into shared experiences I felt less alone.

The second session was after the first block of writing, and we reflected on our own self-critical behaviour. In this we identified two ‘loops’, the generative and the inhibitory loop. In the generative loop we review our work assessing strengths and weaknesses without judgement, allowing for revisions and we move forwards. In the inhibitory loop as we assess our work we instead fall into self-critique, causing us to feel overwhelmed and stop working. We all had at points fallen into the inhibitory loop, especially when already stressed. We discussed methods to be less critical, such as freewriting and low stakes drafting, allowing ourselves to write knowing that it may be ‘bad’ but accepting it is part of the process. We then used these in the next writing block.

After the break we began third session and talked about ways to be sustainable in writing. We talked about ways to break the inhibitory loop, and to calm ourselves such as taking some time outside, or meeting a friend. It was an important reframe for me as when I am stressed, I can see taking a break as a distraction. I naturally prefer instead to spend my time pointlessly staring at a screen making no progress. It was important to remember that when your supervisors tell you that you should spend most of your day writing they don’t mean you should be chained to your computer. Hopefully.  

The third session was perhaps the most eye opening for me. In this session we talked about reframing resistance to writing as not a sign we are secretly terrible people bound to be kicked out of the PhD any day but instead a sign that something is wrong. Instead of ‘what is wrong with me’ it should be ‘what is this telling me’. My hobby of pointlessly staring at a screen could instead be used to tell me that I need to take a break, rehydrate and breathe some fresh air.

In the final session we reflected on how we can take these practices forwards as we write our PhD. Over the past week I have been trying to implement some of what I have learned from the retreat. My stress is already better as my data collection went well, but also, I have been more mindful of the way I treat myself when things are not going so smoothly. Instead of staring at a screen, I have tried to check in and not see it as a personal failing but as my body telling me I perhaps need to alter my approach. Overall, my stress is down, and I feel in a great position to get some witting done!